Finding the Lover of My Soul in Jesus Christ – By Sylvia Ronnau

My heart beat to the sound of a metronome as I played a Chopin waltz. The rushing of the water from the shower sounded like a stream would during snow melt season. My husband, Fred, stepped out of the shower. It was my birthday, but I cared only about Fred and whether Wharton School of Business accepted him.

I followed him and perched on the couch behind his shoulder and squinted to see if they had made the decision. Once I heard, “Yes!” I knew we had a new adventure on our hands. With a grin on my face, I changed into running gear and pulled my hair into a high ponytail. After giving my husband a huge hug, I began my run and then turned onto a busier lane in Menlo Park. It was wintertime, the birds were chirping songs of joy, and my heart sung to the melody of ecstasy. I ran into Palo Alto and took a right turn on University Avenue. Memories of my undergraduate years at Stanford University flooded my mind, good memories and sad memories of friendship, deceit, and pain. I pushed that aside as I ran towards the university and zipped up Stanford Avenue to the Dish. As I pushed my body uphill, I started to pant and panic at the same time. My heart raced, I could not breathe, and I felt nauseous. I quickly darted around the loop to home.

No one was home. I just passed the bar exam and started a new job in a week. These new developments would change everything. In six months, we would be traipsing the streets of Philadelphia. Suddenly an intense fear gripped me, a fear that would not let go even once we arrived in Philadelphia. I had hit the new normal—panicky Sylvia.

Sixth months later, my parents drove us to the airport where we said goodbye, and all of us shed tears. During that drive, my body had five to ten panic attacks. I told no one, but I felt I was suffocating. This monumental move would be a first for me. I went to college and law school in the Bay Area. I never left the states except to travel to Poland for my honors thesis work and to travel around Europe with my family. This journey was novel, and my heart and thoughts would not stop racing. I questioned everything because panic does that to you. You want to escape those feelings so you will do anything to assuage them. I questioned my marriage, moving, work, friends, and the list goes on. You name it; I questioned it. I felt out of control of my body for the first time.

We arrived. Our lives revolved around the next party, the next shot of vodka, and the next hangover. I began working as an attorney at a firm in Princeton, New Jersey—a round trip of two and a half hours each work day. This empty life began to grate on me, causing even more panic attacks.

I had some of my worst panic attacks at the bars or at dinner while conversing with the Wharton wives. Discussions transpired about engagement rings and what designer purse you wore. Thankfully, I skipped the event when one wife asked all the wives to put their hands in a circle to compare the size of their diamonds. The environment was an absolute nightmare; it was very hard to come by true friends.

As the panic attacks happened with more frequency, my nervous system began to shut down. One evening, I could not sleep and woke with my head feeling like a bowling ball. I called in sick that day from work, and shot over to the University of Pennsylvania clinic. I started with sleeping pills and then graduated to the much stronger prescription medications just to function. However, one day, my body refused to work anymore, and I could not get out of bed.

I crawled to a computer and just sat there staring at it. What would I do now? Suddenly, I started researching how to change my stress problems, and I landed on John Piper’s Desiring God page. I was exhilarated to read the material, and he provided books FOR FREE. Who does free anymore? The Lord used Piper’s works to feed my soul. I finally looked up.

I remember that evening before Fred came home from hockey practice, I got on my knees and cried out for help. I prayed: Lord, if you are there, please help me. If you don’t come through for me, I don’t have much use for life. Life does not have much use for me. Help. Amen.

The next morning, walking was still laborious as I began digging more on the computer. Everywhere I turned, God lead me to Psalm 91.

“He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most

High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.

I will say of the Lord, ‘He is my refuge and my fortress:

my God; in him will I trust.’”

(Psalm 91:1-2.)

I researched this psalm extensively, and it provided solace for my soul. This psalm helped me combat my fear with the Lord’s help, something my fried nervous system desperately needed. God promised to be my protector, the one I could trust.

“Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler,

and from the noisome pestilence.

He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust:

his truth shall be thy shield and buckler.

Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night;

nor for the arrow that flieth by day

 Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness;

nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday.” 

(Psalm 91:3-6.)

He promised to protect me from the temptations of Satan—“the snare of the fowler”—and from the deadly pestilence—symbolic of sin. He promised to protect me as I hid “under his wings;” He is faithful. If I only trusted Him, I would not fear the frightening dreams which continue to scar my soul to this day or the evil words spat upon me by “friend” and foe.

“A thousand shall fall at thy side, and ten thousand at thy right hand;

but it shall not come nigh thee.

Only with thine eyes shalt thou behold

and see the reward of the wicked.”

(Psalm 91: 7-8.)

He promised me security in danger. I had nothing to fear because He would be with me where the wicked stood.

“Because thou hast made the Lord, which is my refuge,

even the most High, thy habitation;

 There shall no evil befall thee,

neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling.

For he shall give his angels charge over thee,

to keep thee in all thy ways.

 They shall bear thee up in their hands,

lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.

Thou shalt tread upon the lion and adder:

the young lion and the dragon shalt thou trample under feet.”

(Psalm 91: 9-13.)

As long as I sat with the Lord and prioritized Him, He would protect me. Nothing would hurt me, though trouble and affliction would come. Such affliction would be for my good—though not joyous but grievous—to enhance my character and for me to place my hope in Him.

“Because he hath set his love upon me,

therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high,

because he hath known my name.

He shall call upon me, and I will answer him:

I will be with him in trouble;

I will deliver him, and honour him.

With long life will I satisfy him,

and shew him my salvation.” 

(Psalm 91: 14-16.)

This part of the psalm brought me the most encouragement. I knew He would protect me if I followed Him, but He also wanted a relationship with me. If I loved Him and knew His name, He would speak to me through His Word, be always there with me, and preserve my life on earth so long as it would be good for me.

Tears fell down my cheeks after reading and internalizing this psalm. I wanted to know God. This earth would offer nothing but emptiness without Him. I searched the internet to find a way to know Jesus. What would it take? I prayed, saying I believed in Jesus, His death, burial and resurrection. I also told Jesus that I would repent from my sins of living a worldly life, take up my cross and follow Him.

As I reflect today, even with all the difficulties that have fallen upon me, I am thankful for what began as a journey to Philadelphia to satisfy my fleshly desires turned into a relationship with the lover of my soul, Jesus Christ.