Brown Hair, Blue Eyes by Deborah Spooner

This article is for youth.

She is standing in the center of a group of teens flashing her perfect smile and flipping her perfect long, wavy brunette hair. As her animated voice penetrates the air, she flounces over to a friend, and her classy flats, skinny jeans, and adorable blouse seem to sparkle in the light. Her bouncy personality is like a fragrance enveloping her. A laugh bubbles through her perfectly glossed lips, and her glittering blue eyes amidst her face perfect with makeup seem particularly intense. She has captivated the group. She is standing in the center.

But, she is captivatingly standing in the center of more than that circle; she is standing in the center of what I could be and what my heart craves.

I, too, have brown hair.
I, too, have blue eyes.

By indulging frivolousness and ignoring your still, small voice, God, I could invoke the same captivation. I could adorn bubbly; I know the walk, the glance, the laugh. With one choice I could become her.

No, I could become even more; I could surpass her and become the idol to my idol.

Then, I could fill my heart’s cravings for admiration and value. When people actually notice me and when my craving for unconditional love is satisfied, I would soak in bliss.

God, I would be at the center and loving it.

I want that. My heart wants to burst from the vividness of my wishes as I am mentally carried to the place where I’m at the center. Yet, I feel a tug at my heart and hear “You’d be at the center of what?” Two words pop into my head, and I know in my heart I’d be at the center of sIn and prIde. I shake the thought off and think: “But God! She’s the model of a ‘good’ girl who practically every girl I know wants to be. She doesn’t seem full of sin but seems to be balancing worldly pleasure and Christianity. I could be that. I could be known …” I crave admiration. I crave satisfaction. I long to be captivating.

Into the pulsing emotional flood, a thought drops and gushes into every corner of my consciousness.

Am I enough for you?

A heavy stillness ensues.

What if I told you that you would never have giggling girls running to you? What if, at the mention of your name, no young men get excited and no girls immediately think of how they can mimic you? What if no one ever knew who you are?

Would you be content with Me alone?

My tight grasp on the bliss-filled images refuses to relent and tears come. What if I give it up?

Will you be content with what I promise you? That I will never forsake you, that I love you, that only when you lose your life for my sake will you find it?

Will you be content with who I say you are? That you are my royal daughter, my masterpiece?

Will you be content with my will for you? That you should take up your cross and follow me while being the servant?

Will you be content with what I give? If I take away your treasures or do not give what you see fit?

Will you be content with Me alone as your reward?

As sobs shake my shoulders, the forceful, escalating voice peaks and pounds the question:

Am I enough for you?

The question is like a rock thrown into the pool of my mind and has a catastrophic moment followed by ripples and a calm. My sobs turn into deep breaths. My mind begins to refocus on truth.

I cannot stay desperately clinging to this longing for worldly fulfillment but must give in to one of two warring desires; Jesus or I must remain on my heart’s throne. I cannot give half my heart to the world and half to God because that means I’m living with a divided heart. I cannot be full if I’m never fully committed to anything, and I’m capable of being more than torn and wishy-washy; I am capable of being fully alive. Consumed. Passionate. Joyful.

I know what I must do.

I cry out “Oh God, I choose to believe that You alone satisfy. I acknowledge this lie of worldly fulfillment and trust that Your plan and purpose for me are greater than any gloriousness I could conjure up on my own. Lord, I cling to You.”

Even as I say this, more truth comes to mind.

“For do I know persuade men, or God? or do I seek to please men? for if I yet pleased men, I should not be the servant of Christ” (Galatians 1:10 KJV).

“Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him. [16]For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world.  [17]And the world passeth away, and the lust thereof: but he that doeth the will of God abideth for ever.”
(1 John 2:15-17).

I am Yours, Lord.

Here I am, Lord.
You can have all of me.

Take my whole heart – every fear, failure, and dream. Take my distractedness, my sinful desire for applause, and my self-obsession. Take my idol. I throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles; God, I will run with perseverance the race has marked out for me. [Taken from Hebrews 12:1].

I am Yours, Lord.

I lay me down as a living sacrifice.

My identity is in You as your servant.
Break me, cleanse me, and purify me.
You are on my heart’s throne, and I am never to take it back.
No matter the pain, confusion, or my logic, I know your plan is greater and You are greater.

I am Yours, your wholehearted, faithful servant not looking back or focusing on perceived losses.

Father, not my will, but Yours be done.

Here I am, Lord. I am Yours, Lord,
no matter the cost.

Because You are enough for me.♥