Promiscuous Girl

Today I came across a CD of photos from around 2005. Excited, I thought it might be fun to take a look back and see how things have changed, so I popped it into the computer and waited to see what was on it.

Funny how the mind tends to smooth over the rough edges of history.

It didn’t take long for me to remember why the CD was shoved in a box in the back of a dark storage closet. My past is not a pleasant thing for me to face. The truth, and what I can now recognize when I look at the photographs, is that I was a naïve girl with little self-confidence, lacking knowledge of the world and unfortunately lacking knowledge of the WORD.

I gave away my virginity at [the age of] nineteen. I then pursued a relationship with a married man. That led to me having my first abortion. My college classes were less important to me than partying. Eventually, I dropped out, despite having earned a good scholarship. At [the age of] twenty-one, I moved 300 miles away from home to live with the married man, who had since obtained a divorce. I didn’t have any relationship experience, but I had seen all the movies. True love meant facing impossible odds, overcoming obstacles, daring to love each other when society said it was wrong. Surely, this was the beginning of our happily ever after.

Then, everything changed. He became abusive. Screaming, breaking dishes and furniture, threatening to wreck the car while driving, burning my photos, putting me down in front of his friends and dictating what I could wear and who I could talk to.

Do you ever ask God for “signs”? I did. All the signs obviously pointed to “Get away from him”, but I didn’t listen. His ex-wife had his baby. I stayed with him. He made me watch porn with him. I did. He dictated who I could be friends with and where I could work. I obeyed him. There was a second abortion and a string of humiliating public incidents, and still I stayed with him.

When I found out about his cheating, I was devastated. (Looking back on it, I believe he cheated on me throughout our relationship.) I can’t explain it, but the cheating was the last straw for me. One day, I left. I don’t think I even said goodbye to anyone. I just left town, abandoning most of my possessions in favor of freedom. The first days and weeks of being “home” I did not feel liberated. I was crushed. My heart was so broken it affected every other part of me – I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t breathe.  I was destroyed.  Every day I thought about going back.  Even then, when my heart was in pieces, I didn’t turn to God. Instead, I did what I had always done. I sought validation from other men because it felt good. I desperately wanted someone to love me. The good feeling never lasted, so I continued to seek it. I was stuck in a cycle of alcohol, sex, and shame.

“Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.” ~1 Corinthians 6:18, KJV

I made an emotional wreck of myself. There were days that I stayed in bed, weeping, convinced I had ruined my life and that I was worthless. I tortured myself over my abortions. I had panic attacks at night and went out partying to numb my self-loathing.
And then I was rescued.

“The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.” ~Psalm 34:18, KJV

Moving home was humbling, but home is where I found hope. My brother let me move in to his house and my dad gave me a job. They showed me Christ’s love when I didn’t think I even deserved to be looked in the eye. They fed me, sheltered me, and most importantly, they did not judge me.

I started attending church with my dad. Little by little, day by day, I began to feel something changing inside me. I began to read my Bible. I took notes during the sermon. I participated in worship and fellowship.

At first, the idea that MY sins could be forgiven was laughable. I mean, there’s no way. I had messed up my life, messed up God’s plans, just messed it all up completely. How could I ever be forgiven for the awful things I had done? How could my life ever be good? But God began speaking to my heart in church. The pastor said my sins had been nailed to the cross with Jesus. He said God LOVES me, despite all that I had done. Romans 5:8 says, “But God commendeth His love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” Remarkable!

One Sunday morning, I silently prayed along during the invitation. I released my past and asked God to take over in my life. I walked out of church that day lighter, and full of hope. One of my favorite verses in scripture is 2 Corinthians 5:17 [KJV], which says, “Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.”

(Can I get an AMEN?!) I am living proof of this.

Today, nearly a decade later, I am married to a kind, God-loving man. I dress modestly, I don’t drink, and I am fulfilled in Christ. We have two children who I thank the Lord for every day. I have a job I enjoy, using gifts God has given me. I know my worth, for I am a daughter of the King! Getting to this point has not been easy, but God has truly worked miracles in my life.

This is not a story that I have ever shared publicly. Before now, I hesitated to share my testimony because I was afraid of judgment. I was afraid that even though my life now looks infinitely different from the one I was living, it may still be used to hurt me.  However, I know that this is a story God wants told, and I will be obedient to Him. In Christ I am a new creation, and in Christ there is no condemnation. I am not embarrassed. I am not ashamed to point to my past and say, “Look at what my God can do!” because frankly, this is not about me.  It’s about God.  It’s an illustration of His unfathomable love, mercy and grace.  We are never too far for Him to reach us.  We can always come home.  As Richard Sibbes once wrote, “There is more mercy in Christ than sin in us.”  Now THAT’S the stuff true love stories are made of.  Cite this article: Please update the Accessed or Retrieved date (September 13, 2015).