Learning to be Raped 1000 Times

I am happily married. However, it wasn’t always like this many years ago.  I was an adulteress.  How I got to that point was through a series of “unfortunate events.”  I promise you, it was never my life’s goal.  One of the ways that started me down the promiscuous road was that Satan used males to abuse me through molestation.  Through being molested in my childhood, I came to fear disappointing my offender.  When I was no longer a child, I could no longer call my encounters with men, molestation.  It was now consensual.  I was there and I consented.  Yet, with my whole heart, I can tell you that there were many times I didn’t want to consent.  Fear itself overtook me.  It is paralyzing to be so afraid that you might not please someone.  Sometimes it almost doesn’t feel like fear, but rather an emotional trap that causes women who were molested as children to continue in the same pattern repeatedly when alone with another man. At least, this is what I’ve come to know of myself. I’ve discovered that it’s the devil’s “hidden rape” of molested women. What’s worse is that the woman scarcely realizes her brain-washed, indoctrination victimization.

Whenever I’ve had dreams that I start to run off to cheat, I really don’t realize that I am married.  Then suddenly it hits me and fear grips me.  It is a fear that tells me to run from sin, but then I begin to fear disappointing the person I’ve run off with—not because I want them.  I absolutely don’t!  It’s that molesting pattern. Then I hear someone say, “Your husband’s coming” and I really start to panic.  Then I wake up.  You have no idea how thankful I am that the dream isn’t real.  I look upon my husband and I thank God.  He is a gentle man.  He has always been a kind man toward me in our intimate relations, yet he is just as virile as most men.  If he had been a man who was forceful or manipulative with his feelings on the nights when I am not up to “it,” then it would change everything.  I would feel like I was married to a man who felt it was his right to take what he wanted just like the molester did.

Molestation taught me how to be “raped quietly.”  Even when I consented as an adult, no one but me and God knew that most of the time, I either hated being there or I hated myself. I know certain men look upon the promiscuous girl as a whore, but I think she was probably taught “how to be raped quietly a thousand times.”

Cite this article: Please update the Accessed or Retrieved date (September 13, 2015).

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